No one tells you that you could end up doing this whole thing on your own.
When you grow up you day-dream about what your future will look like. It could be your dream job you look forward to. Maybe you dream of having the perfect family with a husband, a pet and your ideal X amount of kids.
With my story I wasn’t out of high school before bringing my daughter into the world. By the time she turned 1 I was on my own… No one tells you that the fathers get a choice. I suppose we get a choice as well, but to most of us it isn’t a choice.
No one tells you how hard it is to watch the other half of the equation not choose that life anymore. Your daughter suddenly is a second choice in their eyes, if even a choice at all, and boy does it hurt. When he left I had no license and no job. I had this baby that needed all of these things that I had no way of getting on my own.
A couple months later I passed my drivers test and with the help of my amazing friend I felt stronger. 1/2 a year later and I was back with her father… I wasn’t productive and didn’t feel like myself. I thought I was doing what was right for my daughter. I was in an unhealthy relationship of cheating and lies for 5 months before finally choosing myself and leaving the horrible relationship.
You Can Do This
Something clicked that day. Not afraid of being alone or being a single mother, I had never felt more myself.
I moved back into my fathers house and finally got a job that I loved working at and allowed me to be with my daughter during the day. When working my daughter went to her fathers parents house where he lived as well.
Working late hours I typically let her sleep there the evenings I was scheduled. The mornings I would meet outside their house where I would call him to have him bring her out to the car.
One morning I showed up and called but no one picked up. I called and texted and panicked and called more. I finally got up and went in straight to his room where he was sleeping in his bed with an unknown girl beside him. I looked over to the floor where there was a bundled up blanket. Then my heart sank. There on top of it was my 2 year old daughter laid asleep in her winter coat and boots I had dropped her off in. I grabbed her, and with everything it took in me, I walked straight out of the room. Then I took her home where I could get in the shower and just cry.
The Horrible Mom Guilt
How could I leave her there? Why didn’t I just pick her up after work? How do I even take her there again? How do I work? A text filled with anger and sadness sent only for him to respond with excuses and threats. I can’t trust him but I can’t control him.
No one told you how hard it is sharing your child. No one told you that you could be forced to share your child with someone who leaves them to sleep on the basement floor while he share his bed with a stranger. Afraid of the threats of taking me to court I continued to bring her over to his parents the evenings I worked. I, at 19 years old, had no idea what could happen if he took me to court. Could they force me to allow him to have her more? This was the first of many new scary things I had to learn about.
After a few months of things seemingly going better I had an off feeling on the way home from work.
It was 1 in the morning and I felt like it was a terrible idea to call and pick her up. I was sure she was sleeping. By the time I got home I couldn’t deal with the anxiety anymore and called both him and his parents with no answer. I texted him that I was heading there to come get her when he responded with “She’s not there.” Panic.
A Mothers Nightmare
I sent multiple messages asking where… He doesn’t respond and I threaten to call the police… I call my boss out of panic (She’s a mother as well maybe she can help?) and she agrees with calling the police. So I hang up and call explaining the situation and they send an officer.
There’s nothing they can do… My daughter is 2 years old and the only car seat she has is in my car.. She was driven without her seat.. She’s at a location that I don’t know and according to his parents he had left with her at midnight.. There is nothing they can do? Panic.
The officer agrees that he will call him in hopes to scare him into bringing my daughter back. Then 45 minutes later he shows up. His mom is now driving him so he went back to his house before coming.
I had never been so relieved aside from holding her for the first time after the horror story that was her birth. I had her back and vowed to never leave her alone with him again.
After talking with his parents they agreed they would watch over her and she wouldn’t leave their home. I will always be grateful to his parents who watched her and allowed me to work.
Everything Finally Falling into Place
In 2018 I quit serving and officially put my all into photography. I had my first official wedding booked and my calendar started filling up! I met an amazing man, who had a daughter only 4 months older than mine, who was responsible, loving and kind. Things got better.
It’s 2019 now. My daughter started visiting her father every other weekend. She now has a little sister and step mother. I have the job of my dreams and work toward furthering it each day. I am in an amazing relationship and have a little home full of cats and one big dog. I am still working to get to where I want to be but I am so thankful for where I am.
I’m a 22 year old proud, single mother to a beautiful, smart and kind 5 year old who is about to start kindergarten. Life is a journey with ups and downs. Some higher and lower than others but enjoy your journey because it brings you to your end goal.
This is only a part of my story. Thank you for taking the time to listen to it.
~Alex (The Messy Mama)